Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Ages and Prices: Just Numbers

Grandmutti told me yesterday that she and my grandfather had been married for years before she found out his real birthday. Why? He lied. She was baking a cake for a birthday celebration and his sister commented, "I can't believe Ed is 40." He's not, Grandmutti replied, he's 37.  They argued, his sister was quite certain, and when grandpa came home from work, he had to fess up.
Laughing, I asked how long they had been married when she figured this out. Grandmutti replied she'd had two kids. But, she had a confession of her own. She stayed 21 for many years until her oldest son commented that he was 13 and it seemed unlikely that his mother only had 8 years on him. She then jumped to 39 and settled in there for a couple decades.
Great Aunt Myrt had to work 3 years past retirement age because she had lied about her age to seem young when applying for the job.
Age is just a number. I can't tell you what number, when it comes to my grandmother, as printing such a thing on the Internet would get me written out of the will, and I have had my eye on a set of Grandmutti's colored plastic plates since I was about 10. She said she would put them in my Hope Chest, but she might be losing hope, as she now says they're in her will.
In effort to stay in her good graces, I helped Grandmutti peel 10 pounds of potatoes. At Harris Teeter, a 4 lb bag of potatoes costs 99¢.  I think that is amazing. Potatoes are full of carbohydrates and have more vitamin C than oranges.... a virtual superfood. FOUR POUNDS of potatoes... for the change you could find under the seat of your car. I don't know whether to rejoice for how fortunate we are or weep for the fact the people anywhere are starving.
But the solution isn't buying the hungry world all the potatoes at Harris Teeter.  However, when the cash in your wallet could fill a kiddie pool with spuds, it's hard not to feel some conviction or take some responsibility. I don't know how that responsibility should manifest itself. For now, I think I'll just etch the price and availability of potatoes in my country into the side of my mind's storage compartment. Tomorrow, I'll hold hands with my family, give thanks, and help eat a pile of potatoes.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you." -- Mark Twain

I'm in North Carolina, at my grandmother's house. She's wonderful: smart and sweet... unless you tell her you might not come for Christmas, then she's just smart.
She's the oldest of eight and one of her younger sisters took decades compiling the family's genealogy. There are some famous people hanging on the branches, way back in the 1400s and 1700s, but, last night we were examining those closer to our part of the trunk. Great Great Grandpa Jesse spend quite a bit of time in jail for being a 'Tippler'... which was the 1800s Kentucky Foothills word for 'Drunk'. Great Grandpa Harvey was a school teacher, but in his spare time he charmed warts. What? Yes, he charmed warts off of people. What a handy skill.
I asked Grandmutti (a name resulting from the only word my dad learned in high school German) about the other side of the family tree: Her husband's. She said Grandpa Ed looked into it once, but stopped when he got to a horse thief.
As expected, I come from quality stock. Apparently, what the British didn't send to Australia, the rest of Europe packed off to America.
Right now, Grandmutti is cheating at TV. She's borrowing every phone in sight to stuff the "Dancing with the Stars" ballot box. Not for Bristol Palin..."because she's not that good of a dancer, it's just that all the Tea Partiers are voting for her."
You can't blame Grandmutti for cheating, it's probably in her blood. It is comforting to know that my family bears transgressions and oddities well. Let's just hope they keep this spirit in mind as I negotiate going abroad for Christmas.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Broomball Global Championships 2010

We went all the way to Minnesota to learn that there is a "Mercy Rule" in broomball... who knew?
Duggans Pub Traveling Broomball Team is now officially either the worst team on the Globe, or the 4th best co-ed team on the Globe... glass empty or full-- you decide... as long as it's Grainbelt Premium.